Letter to Iszac
cw // grooming mention
Dear Iszac,
As you may know, to be a solacite, worries in your past life must be honestly and effectively taken care of to ensure minimal conflict upon turning. However, some have an especially hard time eliminating these worries. Iszac, I am one of those people. I know that you are here to help me take care of my worries, but sometimes I feel like it's impossible. I know you would say otherwise, but it's like the more I believe this, the harder it is to hear your voice. I hope that when you receive this letter, you are of full ability. I'm sorry for generating more worries that you have to deal with, and I'm sorry for not dealing with my issues in the ways you suggest. I'm sort of a coward, and it's hard to confront others, in fear of what might happen if things go awry, or what I think others might think of me. I know taking responsibility has little to do with making sure your image is preserved, but I still don't know. I'm young, I'm dumb, but I'm also concerned that those concerns aren't valid enough, and that everything I've done is to be judged in a lens of recency. I want to admit something to you, that may not be necessarily hard to admit to others, but I just have to get it off of my chest. I'm disgusted by my old self. He's still me, but he's a me that has done stuff that I wouldn't know how to explain now. I also feel incredibly sorry for him. He was groomed, he was sort of manipulated, he had and still sort of has a horrible, horrible pornography addiction, and he was just overall *weird*. But I'm not really worried about him. If anyone confronts me about him, it wouldn't be an effective confrontation. I'm more worried about the me who's grown up since then. Who's had a complicated relationship with sexuality, attraction, boundaries, and of course, sex. He's harder to rationalize, because those worries he's made are still relevant today. The people he's hurt are still around me, and I still haven't done anything about it. I'm angry at myself because I haven't done anything about it, even though I want to. I need to apologize to those I've hurt, but I haven't yet... because it's hard. I'm not trying to say that my priorities or feelings are more important than the priorities and feelings of those I've hurt - just that I haven't yet gained the composure to talk to them and own up to my actions. I need to do it sometime soon. I know that some number of them might not even take a sliver of my apologies seriously, but I'm happy as long as I've done it. And Iszac, I know you know all of this. Then why would I write this letter? Because I just need help doing it all. I need times, I need places, and I need methods. I'm not asking you to directly schedule some times for me to apologize to those I've hurt, because I know you can't. But I just... need suggestions, and I don't know who else to reach out to for that kind of help. I know I could talk to the people in authority of the social environment to help me, but they all think highly of me, and I hate that. It feels like I'm going to get the people I've hurt in trouble by going through them, and I really don't want that. So... I need your help, Iszac.From your dearly-cherished attachment,
Theo.