Girlfail
cw // suicide mention, depression themes, intense trans questioning
Sometimes I feel like I'm what the phrase “epic fail” would be if it was a trans girl.
A girlfail. A massive, stupid girlfail.
Doubts fill my mind with endless questions every day when I decide to “girlmode”. What other people will think of me, what happens if I fuck up somehow, if someone really fucking hates trans people, or I meet someone who isn't too fond of me, just thinking I'm doing it for attention or something.
Sometimes I doubt if I'm even a girl. Perhaps I'm just genderfluid – maybe my current obsession with those of the intersex will influence what direction I go.
It's Not That Serious
I don't often feel like a failure. Sometimes I have fear that when I finally get on E, that I'll skip out on it like I do for most of my daily routine. I mean, I'd be excited to be a girl, yes, but the thought of my own gender doesn't go through my mind as much as I'd like to admit.
Maybe it's just my current overall issue with processing information. I swear I was once so good at processing memories, informarion, stimuli... and now I'm just a husk of who that was. I can barely execute basic multiplication without at least exploding one braincell by thinking too hard.
I feel stupid, and I doubt myself often. I double-check every single one of my decisions, and all of the risks I take are still severely underweighed.
I feel like a failure so often. I feel stupid, I'm lazy, I procrastinate a lot, and the world is hopeless. How do I manage? How have I somehow not even let the thought of ending it all come by at least once?
CRUD (Create, Read, Update, Delete)
I love to create. I love creating so much, that I sometimes take on ambitious projects and never finish them and somehow still feel happy about the code.
It never really was about the end result, despite how much I love to look at it for assistance.
I feel like I have a hard time appreciating the journeys in life.
I want to be trans, so I hyperfixate on my post-transition self.
I'm going to a game convention, I wonder what it's going to be like when I get there.
I'm 16 now, I can't wait to get a job and get it steady!
What is this? Why is this? For so long I've had this mindset, and I don't know if it's healthy for me, or... where I even got it from.
I feel like it's hard to appreciate the beauty of going through a transition – the hardship, the worries, the euphoria, the skirts and boobs...
I waste all of that time doubting myself, reading too hard into signs and constantly thinking about how I might not be a girl, but something else.
I guess I should be happy that whatever I end up as, it won't be cis.
But yet... what do I do? How can I tell, verifiably, once and for all, who I am?
Who the true me is?
I can't do anything about it.
I can't do anything except try things out.
I hope skirts will be OK.