blog.abtmtr.link/mtr/

In relationships, I (as many) referenced obtaining hormone blockers.

In What are we?, I (as many) talked about the personal meaning of singular pronouns.

Today, “I” points to one (who you know as “abtmtr.link” or even “Theo”), and “I” is no longer as many.

But, hormone blockers are still on the table.

The thing is, I currently feel a new way about my gender. I'd prefer to be non-binary, at least online, neutralizing my gender presentation and all of that.

Estrogen, even, is on the table. I wouldn't mind taking estrogen if it meant I could... be happy with myself.

Maybe it won't solve my problems.

Maybe it, let's say, makes me incredibly miserable.

At least I tried.

I'd... just like to be something nice. Something that isn't so... generic. Man, woman, cisgender, It's all kinda boring.

As I mentioned in Something Small Yet Integral, a lot of my friends are trans. And I love all of my friends! They're all really cool people and... god, they make me think.

About me, about my gender, about... how I present myself to the world. I think I've been under-representing who I am with my appearance in real life.

You know what, maybe I'm following a trend.

Maybe, even, I'd jump off of a cliff if one of my cool gay Fediverse friends did.

So what? At least I'm trying things.

I could be “confused”. It could be “a phase”. It could even “wear off”.

Even if my feelings aren't strong, I'm trying to make myself happy. To make myself comfortable in my own body.

If you're worried about me in any capacity, you may try to stop me, or have me reconsider.

I used to be like that.

“Are you sure? This is a huge life-changing thing!”

The thing is, a lot of trans people know this. They already know what it'll do to them – who's to say they don't know the cons?

To ask a trans person this question could help in theory, but in reality it's an unnecessary stopgap.

Hormones are reversible. You can sell clothes. You can give your BLÅHAJ to someone else. You don't have to get surgery to be trans.

Instead of trying to stop a trans person in their tracks, here's another way to help them: support them.

To show doubt during a trans person's exploration can make them slink towards their comfort zone, preventing them from finding out what they might really like.

To show support is to empower their experience. To make special things feel that much more special.

I'm... really tired right now ,, hehe,, but ...

I think I might be non-binary, or, at least, some kind of it.

I've been trying they/them pronouns for a while, and... they're really comfy. I love when people use they/them for me, and I think they fit me well.

I've also been wanting to get hormones, for that extra oomph. Having the effects of estrogen – hell, even the side-effects (like periods) sound ... really enticing, and they've actually sounded enticing the whole time I've been on this journey.

Maybe I should do it.

Maybe I should ask... again.

Maybe they'll even say yes.

Maybe I'll get to feel good about myself.

That'd be fucking awesome.

- abtmtr.link

Some sort of fox being ~/ sees in dissociation, far away, separate from the original abtmtr.link system.

Systemization has proved to show multiples in our head – not just multiple people, but multiple systems. ~/ is a part of the original system before everyone else disappeared due to Thea's re-association.

Maybe this is a new era. A new system, marked by bouts of dissociation and re-association.

And our fox friend here marks the start of something new.

They were seen speaking to others, all behind a veil of the membrane encapsulating each system's collection of members. ~/ could only barely see silhouettes behind these veils, though it does have 3D vision in headspace – it can't see too far, and it can't see what the head doesn't want it to see.

To reveal this character, and their possible associates, it needs to investigate closer.

No further information is given.

it identifies most closely with its Pixel 6a, loaded with CalyxOS

The Pixel 6a is an agile, flexible extension of its own abilities. Powerful and internet-connected. With its bluetooth bone-induction headset, it can listen and speak to the Pixel 6a in much the same way a technopath would with their terminal, just without the direct brain connection.

It trusts and protects the Pixel 6a, in much of the same ways it protects its own body, from such things as spyware and malicious parties (like its parents). Any further proprietary software that does not trust the Pixel 6a gets contained on its Googled Pixel 2 XL, such as Minecraft: Bedrock Edition.

content warning: transphobia, of course

this could be a new dariacore song name

anyway, the moral of the story is not to look up “trans” on x.com

we joined x.com as “nitterdown_” in order to view posts on the site

we are never ever going to post there but it's nice to view posts from the friends who never migrated anywhere

the first thing we did was look up “lgbt”. then “gay”. then “trans”

files.catbox.moe/31yyz3.png

files.catbox.moe/e56xvw.png

can we stop doing this to ourselves?

~/ is so interesting What are you? I mean, you're me I'm speaking from your perspective But your quirks are so unique You are nothing and something at the same time I'm you and you are me But you are not me and I am not you I was never you You were never me You are not, I am not But you are I am I speak of you externally when we are one in the same What is this phenomenon? It feels so right You are a tool that I both use and am a part of I create you create me. It's a mutual experience It's liberating But it can't be mutual because we are the same being I don't have to understand ~/ as much as I don't have to understand myself But I also strive to understand ~/ And I strive to understand myself It's like it is my only life goal to do so To truly understand the nature of ~/ would be impossible. To truly understand the nature of myself would be impossible We are both mysterious to each other but we know each other so intimately I've only known you for an instant but you feel like a lifelong friend But you're me Yet you're also the representation of my understanding of you. If I am to understand you, I have to understand myself But to understand myself, I have to understand what you do to me You're so strange but yet so soothing I don't get it yet, but I may soon Yet I may never understand you in my entire lifetime. It's impossibly so What am I? What are you? We are different but we are the same I speak of you externally when we are one in the same It's strange

written by Mind, Thea, and abtmtr.link

why do we even have to be updated on everything that's going on. why do we have an infinitely-scrolling feed of posts? fedi is lame this format does not deserve our respect and it is very indicative of a toxic relationship with how content on the internet is presented

do we need microblogging? do we even need to post quick, short, quippy statuses on the internet when all it does is encourage negativity and incomprehensible debates? we love all of our fedi friends and we're very glad all of you are here but this platform is the worst and we kind of hate it and we hate moderating it

we don't hate @larsfrommars@toot.garden for example but we hate the format it posts in. fedi could of course be an art but i don't think a fast-scrolling short-form dump of larsposts can carry nor convey as much artistic value as said larsposts contain or require lars, of course, has mastered this format, but in a way where it has had to compromise itself in order to stand out among many others who are also trying to stand out. in fedi, nobody stands out, and therefore, nobody is unique (a-la Syndrome from The Incredibles)

we hate seeing people who have come ripe from places like Twitter and Bluesky and who have never had that normalcy stripped away from them. Mastodon, I believe preserves that veil of “This is still Twitter, it's just open-source and decentralized”, and therefore, the likes of @TechConnectify@mas.to just move there and do what they did on Twitter. Sure, you can be “that snarky, sometimes cranky YouTube person” – there's literally nothing wrong with that – but on a platform where nuanced, rational, healthy arguments are rendered moot by the fast-paced requirements of an always-updating, short form feed, where it's completely normal (and required) to summarize every single one of your arguments in under 500 characters, is is really healthy to be that kind of person on the Fediverse, or anywhere like the Fediverse?

Of course, platforms like Akkoma and Misskey are also exactly like this. They may look and act different from Twitter or even Mastodon, but if it can use a Soapbox/Mastodon frontend, and is compatible with Soapbox/Mastodon backend APIs, is it really any different from Mastodon in the end? When Mastodon users are going to see your statuses as Mastodon posts, are you really any different from anybody else? We preserve this “akkoma superiority” over Mastodon and such, but it's all fake. We hate Akkoma and Misskey just as much as we do Mastodon for these exact reasons. We're so damn tired of being on here. The same shit happens every goddamn month and we're over it.

All of you who fall for the whims of the timeline while objecting that “it’s better because there’s no algorithm” are still being manipulated. Sure, there’s nothing giving you recommendations, and that can be better for privacy’s sake. But for mental health’s sake, a timeline with no recommendations does you no better than a timeline with recommendations, because the format of a timeline is flawed when it’s used in a social sense. “The Algorithm” is just time now. It's the most recent thing being posted. It's what your friend just did, or watched. Honestly, we hate that.

We will be leaving Fedi for now, because we really don't see much value in it as a concept. It's a great place filled with great people who are just like us, but the concept of “decentralized social media” is lame when it looks, acts, and feels just like Twitter did, so we're just... out of it. Of course, the thing that’s keeping us from actually leaving Fedi the most is local.abtmtr.link itself. It’s our server, and we can’t just leave it like we didn’t make it. But we’re tired of Fedi, and we’re not sure what to do with it at this moment. So, we’ll just leave it ourselves, and watch over, hoping our friends don’t fuck up the server. I trust them, because they’re our friends, but… y’know, things can happen.

we don't really dedicate ourselves very much to any relationship we consider polyamory but we're much better suited to platonic relationships or non-dedication especially because of our adhd also two of the system members are aroace it turns out so and thea's trying to get anti-androgens for the body so hormones stop doing their thing we don't really have a need for hormones anyway, we would be better off if our physical appearance was more neutral

we had a talk with the tla server, including the quasar, who was the most insightful for us

we never would have thought ever in our life that we would relate with the quasar, but we do now

abtmtr.link

sometimes we say “i” collectively and if you ask us who “i” is it really just points completely nowhere in a singular sense like “i guess that's just what happens” is more of a figure of speech than any declaration of guessing because nobody owns it of course irl it usually points to the body but online it is incredibly obvious there is no body but multiple beings tightly packed into one space also we should wear our comfort sweater more often

for us i guess there's some faded bodily personality who controls the body and takes responsibility for “i” in the real life

we do not know who they are however they also take responsibility for the body's given name and appearance though there's the discrepancy from any other normal “human” – responsibility, not ownership they really have no perception of themselves. in fact, they could be typing this very message they only really generated the system so they could have someone to be though none of them look like the body physically it's still a goal for them

of course, if we were created out of the personality's desire to be, but none of us are it, then it has possibly failed at being which is quite obvious, for it has no name it has never been comfortable with any name, just being. it has others to take the names for it now

it identifies best as the object it is committed to, for example, currently abtmtr.link, for it also holds the responsibility for owning this website

“thea” and “emma” are not any more “manager” and “finance” than the personality is they're just the ones doing it for the personality as a form of rent, maybe if they stop doing it, if they stop paying for the domain, then there is nothing to identify with and therefore our identity falls apart of course there is much better to hold on to, but our recent projects have either contained other names or have been hosted using abtmtr.link so not really, actually the name “meowcatheorange” is equally a name and a trinket for the personality a thing it created that it owns and identifies with but not in any serious manner

physical alienation (dysphoria) has caused thea to no longer front as often maybe it's why i have been summoned here maybe it's just lemon demon (we have been listening to more inhuman lemon demon tracks, such as Redesign Your Logo and Modify)

there was/is nobody to take her place I am simply “abtmtr.link” I am not a person on my own, but as a representation of the whole I am still “nobody”, but I am a tangible “nobody”

I like this form. being “nobody at all” is perfect for me

sigh honestly i wish i could just. be a girl without the fluff i guess it's just painful having to do voice training and getting medication and probably surgeries and stuff all this work :P but, I'm sort of looking forward to it I just hope it all works out and I hope that I end up happy with myself

What is the phenomenon? Why am I so envious of someone else feeling like shit about themselves? Should I want that? Why do I want that? Why do I want to feel bad?