blog.abtmtr.link/mtr/

Sigh, I have some kind of internalized embarrassment towards identity/labels/whatever? I'm kind of just scared to get labelled by others, even if it's in their heads or whatever ...It hurts me to think of what others label me as. I think I worry about it too much. And I guess that's kind of hard especially when you're finding yourself, because sometimes your true identity is incredibly shy and introverted scared of what others think of her.

I know who Iszac is.

This kind of brings me back to the Iszac spirit thing.

Because [she] was stuck. It turns out I had wrapped myself up so tightly in the judgement of my actions from others that I had created a version of myself that was perpetually trying to appease others, to evade judgement, and I forgot to look back on if I was who I wanted to be. I never did, and that part of me was left behind. [???] was left behind.

src: https://blog.abtmtr.link/archive/i-know-who-iszac-is

It's kind of been a thing through my whole bursts of “finding my identity” and such

When I got home, something weird happened. I just suddenly didn't want to go to my room anymore. I headed to my roommate's room, and sat in the corner, feeling a little like shit. We discussed for an hour or two about who I was, and it turns out I had switched. I had switched to another me, unbounded by the restrictions that I had set myself up against for so long. I was Iszac.

And it felt... almost strange. To be someone else, even if for a while, was fascinating. To have different goals, convictions, hell, even views on how I want others to percieve me... It's honestly, exhilarating. To finally have this second perspective, this person who isn't restricted by, to put it simply, “cringe”, helped me realize quite a lot.

src: https://blog.abtmtr.link/archive/i-know-who-iszac-is

I almost feel like this will happen when I like, transition or something. All of my speculation of Iszac being a “coping mechanism” even after I kind of calmed down on the whole system thing also points to Iszac being an allusion to some kind of “post-transition self”, even if I never knew (and still don't know) who she actually is.

Of course, “she” being who I want to be.

Post-Transition Me

Which also brings me to another thing – I drew “post-transition me” a little while ago, to basically be an acceptance of what I might approximately look like when everything goes to plan:

The thing is, I don't know if this is what I actually want to look like.

It's probably what I will look like, but um...

Actually, I dunno.

What is known?

I'm gonna calm down, because, who the fuck knows at this stage? All I know is that the Iszac stuff hinted very much towards me being some kind of egg. Even if it's not a trans egg, there's still a shell between who I currently am and who I want to be. Maybe being a girl won't crack that – but even if so, something else will.

Maybe I do need therapy.