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I feel like I only really feel feminine when happy.

When I'm above-spirits, I'm all OK to go by Thea, use she/her pronouns and wear skirt go spinny! Everything's fine and I feel great.

But, when I'm below-spirits, things change. I revert back to my cis self – legal name, he/him pronouns, average dude clothes. The usual.

In the middle, I'm not sure. I lean closer to my cis self, but I don't think I'd mind the skirt very much.

It's weird. I might be genderfluid, or maybe I could even coin a new term to slap on it, since it feels really unique... but I don't know about doing all of that yet. I'm kinda past putting a label on things at this point.

The thing is – I'm also happy when I'm feminine. Being fem reminds me of friends, community... it brings me closer to memories of being with others. Who knows? If I ever drop out of the TLA community, this might change (because let's be honest, I drop out of and jump into communities all of the time), but... sometimes I feel like being feminine brings me closer to those of kin.

As some may know, I have a lot of trans friends. Out of all of my friends, a good portion are transgender in some direction – FTM, MTF, non-binary, genderfluid – I'll even count genderqueer for questioning's sake. What also might help is my presence on possibly one of the largest transgender meeting grounds on the Internet to date – the Fediverse.

What's known is that I identify closely with trans people. They're my friends, I'm their friends. And I think that has helped me in questioning my own gender identity.

Maybe I'm something other than what I was assigned to be at birth, y'know?

Other Stuff

I'll be honest, I'm a little scared to start estrogen. Like, I don't mind looking or even acting like a girl right now... but I'm a little worried for my future self, I guess. But, I've also heard it makes you feel. If there's one thing I want to get away from, it's toxic masculinity, and... hollow feelings.

I guess we'll see.