Chirp
One very stupid thing that happens to me too frequently to count is how much I tend to forget things.
I sometimes feel like I have lapses of memory, dazed by the fact that I can't remember much from my past on-demand, or that I forget small details of things I've experienced.
It's overwhelming, and tiring. I wish I just knew.
I've been so desperate for answers over the course of posting to this blog.
The reason I have this blog is to document my feelings over time, so I don't forget. Forgetfulness is the reason this blog is still active.
I still haven't gotten any answers. I feel like I'm just ending up with more and more questions... I'm doing too much, I'm stressing myself out...
There is one thing I know... this is not normal. It may be normal for someone who is like me – but it's probably well-established that someone like me isn't normal. It feels wrong, like I have some kind of disability or something.
It's hard to think. It is so, so hard to think. I'm very often worried that my memory has never been like this – that at some point, my memory was much better, and it has slowly deteriorated over the course of time – and may be slowly deteriorating right as we speak.
I feel horrible about this. I feel horrible about myself. I feel so horrible about everything I try, relative to myself.
I wish I knew. I really do.
I don't know what to feel about writing this right now. I don't really think I've experienced... sadness? Grief. I've been thinking about times I should have experienced grief – empathy, worry, any human emotion – but... nothing. I still don't feel anything. I almost feel cynical.
I also can't trust myself sometimes. When I doubt myself, I doubt myself hard. I can only remember a rebuttal occasionally, otherwise I just try to remember, but I keep forgetting, and I have to go back. Sometimes I don't even forget. Sometimes I berate myself about it, about trying new things, thinking that I was being embarrassing, that I should never do it again. I don't know why I do this. Why I regret so many things, why I hate myself when waking up on some days...
It's almost painful. I can only really handle a little bit of everything at a time. I... feel hollow, but also filled with nothing but soul crushing pain. I'm also doubting these feelings too, as I write this...
What does this mean? What am I going through? Why is this happening?
I'm so confused, I'm... so desperate. I beg too much, and I'm just...
I'm so sorry.
What am I even doing...