blog.abtmtr.link/mtr/

I woke up today feeling unbelievably horrible about myself and things And a lot of those thoughts are still in my head. Why am i doing this? What for? I don't even feel like a girl. And I know I don't have to be a girl, but... I don't know. I just feel horrible about everything right now. I felt the same way about being a different gender – being “trans” – as if I woke up after a drunk party.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=1Yg-wcPwRa4

It's like... applying the label “trans” to myself kind of makes me sick. Not to say trans people are sickening – but that the label itself makes me sick. I talked about me and labels a little bit in [no title], and how I “have some kind of internalized embarrassment towards identity/labels/whatever”. It's something like that, but on a bigger, more “wow I am embarrassing” kind of scale.

And it's like... I don't get it. I don't really know how to feel about myself right now – something's just so, very wrong. Amplified especially by the fact I don't necessarily experience gender dysphoria. I mean, it would be cool to not be a boy, but... I don't hate being a boy. I just hate not having more feminine elements to my identity. In Girlfail, I talked about an “obsession with those of the intersex” – this is what I believe to be my issue.

I'm too boyish – I have masculine traits, an RBF, a deepish voice, all of that. It would be cool to be some kind of girl, but I don't exactly identify with the terms of “girl”. I've recently been identifying with the term “girlthing” or “gal”. I feel like more of an unstable median between the two sexual extremes... genderfluid, maybe?