blog.abtmtr.link/mtr/

I don't know... I'm tired and I'm staying awake through the early morning.

I recently visited turn-me-into-a-girl.com (as a cis person totally does) and completed the flow. One thing popped into my head as it loaded...

What if I'm just... being ridiculous?

Of course, this is a doubt I probably shouldn't take too seriously, but... it does pose an interesting question.

How trans am I?

I'm certainly not cis (at least, I don't think a cis person would be a girl on the internet and tell all her friends she's a girl), but I'm not sure I can get every part of me to agree that I would like to be a girl.

I don't even look like a girl

One of my goals is to get on HRT, maybe. As I know it, HRT is (un)surprisingly hard to obtain in the United States. I don't have it yet, and I don't even know how to get it, honestly... do I ask my doctor? My therapist? Anyway, because HRT is so hard to obtain, and because of the fact that I don't have it yet... well, of course, I don't look at all like a girl. I look like my original self, just like I was before I popped the trans question. Many trans individuals would cite this as gender dysphoria – and that's probably correct. I think I'm experiencing it, and... damn, it sucks.

I don't even know if I'm a girl.

Describing myself as a girlthing is the closest I can get to half-acceptance, silly enough to be passed off as a funny joke, but also valid enough to be taken seriously by trans fellows. My true gender is not clear at the moment, and I am honestly holding on to hope that everything I will do from here on out is somewhat reversible, in case I figure something out that ends up in the form of not-girl.

This sucks.

This period between guessing, realization, and action is currently the worst part, in my opinion. On one hand, it's amazing, because you get so much support by all of your friends! But on the other hand, you don't even know what you are and you don't have the resources to do anything about it at the moment. Which is the worst. Maybe I can just wear some cool skirts and hope that's enough to at least remotely pass as some degree of trans.

It's just a fetish or something.

My complicated relationship with sex and all of its concepts have held a strange spot in my life, especially during puberty. Of course, it could be entirely possible that my girl-centric urges are a result of being turned on, as a person with years and years of exposure to sex. I don't know though!!! I'm quite literally aromantic because I just don't understand what is romance and what isn't sex and I don't think I ever will!!!! Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!

Where's Iszac?

Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she

Thank you

To all of my friends, family, and supporters! To my transfem friends especially, I hold you near and dear to my heart !!