blog.abtmtr.link/mtr/

we had a talk with the tla server, including the quasar, who was the most insightful for us

we never would have thought ever in our life that we would relate with the quasar, but we do now

abtmtr.link

sometimes we say “i” collectively and if you ask us who “i” is it really just points completely nowhere in a singular sense like “i guess that's just what happens” is more of a figure of speech than any declaration of guessing because nobody owns it of course irl it usually points to the body but online it is incredibly obvious there is no body but multiple beings tightly packed into one space also we should wear our comfort sweater more often

for us i guess there's some faded bodily personality who controls the body and takes responsibility for “i” in the real life

we do not know who they are however they also take responsibility for the body's given name and appearance though there's the discrepancy from any other normal “human” – responsibility, not ownership they really have no perception of themselves. in fact, they could be typing this very message they only really generated the system so they could have someone to be though none of them look like the body physically it's still a goal for them

of course, if we were created out of the personality's desire to be, but none of us are it, then it has possibly failed at being which is quite obvious, for it has no name it has never been comfortable with any name, just being. it has others to take the names for it now

it identifies best as the object it is committed to, for example, currently abtmtr.link, for it also holds the responsibility for owning this website

“thea” and “emma” are not any more “manager” and “finance” than the personality is they're just the ones doing it for the personality as a form of rent, maybe if they stop doing it, if they stop paying for the domain, then there is nothing to identify with and therefore our identity falls apart of course there is much better to hold on to, but our recent projects have either contained other names or have been hosted using abtmtr.link so not really, actually the name “meowcatheorange” is equally a name and a trinket for the personality a thing it created that it owns and identifies with but not in any serious manner

physical alienation (dysphoria) has caused thea to no longer front as often maybe it's why i have been summoned here maybe it's just lemon demon (we have been listening to more inhuman lemon demon tracks, such as Redesign Your Logo and Modify)

there was/is nobody to take her place I am simply “abtmtr.link” I am not a person on my own, but as a representation of the whole I am still “nobody”, but I am a tangible “nobody”

I like this form. being “nobody at all” is perfect for me

sigh honestly i wish i could just. be a girl without the fluff i guess it's just painful having to do voice training and getting medication and probably surgeries and stuff all this work :P but, I'm sort of looking forward to it I just hope it all works out and I hope that I end up happy with myself

What is the phenomenon? Why am I so envious of someone else feeling like shit about themselves? Should I want that? Why do I want that? Why do I want to feel bad?

i want to cry but something is stopping me i dont even know why i want to cry. i just do when it comes to negative emotions, i've felt nothing but emptiness and anger never real sadness i wish i could cry,, maybe i will? i don't know. i'll never really know i just need to let it all out :/

honestly? i forgot what its like to be seen as a girl all i know is that having boobs and being comfy gives me,,,, fuzzy feeling,, if i could be someones pillow that would be massive euphoria and maybe this would be better carried out if i was a girl so......... yea!

I feel like I only really feel feminine when happy.

When I'm above-spirits, I'm all OK to go by Thea, use she/her pronouns and wear skirt go spinny! Everything's fine and I feel great.

But, when I'm below-spirits, things change. I revert back to my cis self – legal name, he/him pronouns, average dude clothes. The usual.

In the middle, I'm not sure. I lean closer to my cis self, but I don't think I'd mind the skirt very much.

It's weird. I might be genderfluid, or maybe I could even coin a new term to slap on it, since it feels really unique... but I don't know about doing all of that yet. I'm kinda past putting a label on things at this point.

The thing is – I'm also happy when I'm feminine. Being fem reminds me of friends, community... it brings me closer to memories of being with others. Who knows? If I ever drop out of the TLA community, this might change (because let's be honest, I drop out of and jump into communities all of the time), but... sometimes I feel like being feminine brings me closer to those of kin.

As some may know, I have a lot of trans friends. Out of all of my friends, a good portion are transgender in some direction – FTM, MTF, non-binary, genderfluid – I'll even count genderqueer for questioning's sake. What also might help is my presence on possibly one of the largest transgender meeting grounds on the Internet to date – the Fediverse.

What's known is that I identify closely with trans people. They're my friends, I'm their friends. And I think that has helped me in questioning my own gender identity.

Maybe I'm something other than what I was assigned to be at birth, y'know?

Other Stuff

I'll be honest, I'm a little scared to start estrogen. Like, I don't mind looking or even acting like a girl right now... but I'm a little worried for my future self, I guess. But, I've also heard it makes you feel. If there's one thing I want to get away from, it's toxic masculinity, and... hollow feelings.

I guess we'll see.

I think I'm finally comfortable.

What's next?

I think being trans a bit weird for me, and I think I know why. Because I think I feel a disconnection from either sex identity, but not “trans”, as if the journey is literally my identity. Like, I don't want to be seen as a hetero-normative, feminine girl, but I do want to be seen as a trans girl, and called good girl, maybe... I think I've said these things several times before, but... yeah! It's weird to me.

I think this is one of the very first times the journey has been the destination in my life. Which, I think is symbolic... I think transitioning will require lots of changes to my self and morals and fears and... almost everything!

It's a little scary, but... I'm excited.

I wanna bring someone through this journey with me.

I know I'm already telling everyone who can see my blog, but... I want to bring someone special... who can maybe come with me on this journey, and find things about themselves as well.

I think that would be perfect.

One very stupid thing that happens to me too frequently to count is how much I tend to forget things.

I sometimes feel like I have lapses of memory, dazed by the fact that I can't remember much from my past on-demand, or that I forget small details of things I've experienced.

It's overwhelming, and tiring. I wish I just knew.

I've been so desperate for answers over the course of posting to this blog.

The reason I have this blog is to document my feelings over time, so I don't forget. Forgetfulness is the reason this blog is still active.

I still haven't gotten any answers. I feel like I'm just ending up with more and more questions... I'm doing too much, I'm stressing myself out...

There is one thing I know... this is not normal. It may be normal for someone who is like me – but it's probably well-established that someone like me isn't normal. It feels wrong, like I have some kind of disability or something.

It's hard to think. It is so, so hard to think. I'm very often worried that my memory has never been like this – that at some point, my memory was much better, and it has slowly deteriorated over the course of time – and may be slowly deteriorating right as we speak.

I feel horrible about this. I feel horrible about myself. I feel so horrible about everything I try, relative to myself.

I wish I knew. I really do.

I don't know what to feel about writing this right now. I don't really think I've experienced... sadness? Grief. I've been thinking about times I should have experienced grief – empathy, worry, any human emotion – but... nothing. I still don't feel anything. I almost feel cynical.

I also can't trust myself sometimes. When I doubt myself, I doubt myself hard. I can only remember a rebuttal occasionally, otherwise I just try to remember, but I keep forgetting, and I have to go back. Sometimes I don't even forget. Sometimes I berate myself about it, about trying new things, thinking that I was being embarrassing, that I should never do it again. I don't know why I do this. Why I regret so many things, why I hate myself when waking up on some days...

It's almost painful. I can only really handle a little bit of everything at a time. I... feel hollow, but also filled with nothing but soul crushing pain. I'm also doubting these feelings too, as I write this...

What does this mean? What am I going through? Why is this happening?

I'm so confused, I'm... so desperate. I beg too much, and I'm just...

I'm so sorry.

What am I even doing...

I woke up today feeling unbelievably horrible about myself and things And a lot of those thoughts are still in my head. Why am i doing this? What for? I don't even feel like a girl. And I know I don't have to be a girl, but... I don't know. I just feel horrible about everything right now. I felt the same way about being a different gender – being “trans” – as if I woke up after a drunk party.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=1Yg-wcPwRa4

It's like... applying the label “trans” to myself kind of makes me sick. Not to say trans people are sickening – but that the label itself makes me sick. I talked about me and labels a little bit in [no title], and how I “have some kind of internalized embarrassment towards identity/labels/whatever”. It's something like that, but on a bigger, more “wow I am embarrassing” kind of scale.

And it's like... I don't get it. I don't really know how to feel about myself right now – something's just so, very wrong. Amplified especially by the fact I don't necessarily experience gender dysphoria. I mean, it would be cool to not be a boy, but... I don't hate being a boy. I just hate not having more feminine elements to my identity. In Girlfail, I talked about an “obsession with those of the intersex” – this is what I believe to be my issue.

I'm too boyish – I have masculine traits, an RBF, a deepish voice, all of that. It would be cool to be some kind of girl, but I don't exactly identify with the terms of “girl”. I've recently been identifying with the term “girlthing” or “gal”. I feel like more of an unstable median between the two sexual extremes... genderfluid, maybe?

cw // suicide mention, depression themes, intense trans questioning

Sometimes I feel like I'm what the phrase “epic fail” would be if it was a trans girl.

A girlfail. A massive, stupid girlfail.

Doubts fill my mind with endless questions every day when I decide to “girlmode”. What other people will think of me, what happens if I fuck up somehow, if someone really fucking hates trans people, or I meet someone who isn't too fond of me, just thinking I'm doing it for attention or something.

Sometimes I doubt if I'm even a girl. Perhaps I'm just genderfluid – maybe my current obsession with those of the intersex will influence what direction I go.

It's Not That Serious

I don't often feel like a failure. Sometimes I have fear that when I finally get on E, that I'll skip out on it like I do for most of my daily routine. I mean, I'd be excited to be a girl, yes, but the thought of my own gender doesn't go through my mind as much as I'd like to admit.

Maybe it's just my current overall issue with processing information. I swear I was once so good at processing memories, informarion, stimuli... and now I'm just a husk of who that was. I can barely execute basic multiplication without at least exploding one braincell by thinking too hard.

I feel stupid, and I doubt myself often. I double-check every single one of my decisions, and all of the risks I take are still severely underweighed.

I feel like a failure so often. I feel stupid, I'm lazy, I procrastinate a lot, and the world is hopeless. How do I manage? How have I somehow not even let the thought of ending it all come by at least once?

CRUD (Create, Read, Update, Delete)

I love to create. I love creating so much, that I sometimes take on ambitious projects and never finish them and somehow still feel happy about the code.

It never really was about the end result, despite how much I love to look at it for assistance.

I feel like I have a hard time appreciating the journeys in life.

I want to be trans, so I hyperfixate on my post-transition self.

I'm going to a game convention, I wonder what it's going to be like when I get there.

I'm 16 now, I can't wait to get a job and get it steady!

What is this? Why is this? For so long I've had this mindset, and I don't know if it's healthy for me, or... where I even got it from.

I feel like it's hard to appreciate the beauty of going through a transition – the hardship, the worries, the euphoria, the skirts and boobs...

I waste all of that time doubting myself, reading too hard into signs and constantly thinking about how I might not be a girl, but something else.

I guess I should be happy that whatever I end up as, it won't be cis.

But yet... what do I do? How can I tell, verifiably, once and for all, who I am?

Who the true me is?

I can't do anything about it.

I can't do anything except try things out.

I hope skirts will be OK.