Seismic Stratigraphy
Sorry for the unsubtitled 40 minute dialogue.
Maybe I'll make it more accessible soon – for now, this is an unedited talk about identity, transgenderism, and neurodivergence.
Named after a C418 track, of course.
[no title]
Sigh, I have some kind of internalized embarrassment towards identity/labels/whatever? I'm kind of just scared to get labelled by others, even if it's in their heads or whatever ...It hurts me to think of what others label me as. I think I worry about it too much. And I guess that's kind of hard especially when you're finding yourself, because sometimes your true identity is incredibly shy and introverted scared of what others think of her.
I know who Iszac is.
This kind of brings me back to the Iszac spirit thing.
Because [she] was stuck. It turns out I had wrapped myself up so tightly in the judgement of my actions from others that I had created a version of myself that was perpetually trying to appease others, to evade judgement, and I forgot to look back on if I was who I wanted to be. I never did, and that part of me was left behind. [???] was left behind.
src: https://blog.abtmtr.link/archive/i-know-who-iszac-is
It's kind of been a thing through my whole bursts of “finding my identity” and such
When I got home, something weird happened. I just suddenly didn't want to go to my room anymore. I headed to my roommate's room, and sat in the corner, feeling a little like shit. We discussed for an hour or two about who I was, and it turns out I had switched. I had switched to another me, unbounded by the restrictions that I had set myself up against for so long. I was Iszac.
And it felt... almost strange. To be someone else, even if for a while, was fascinating. To have different goals, convictions, hell, even views on how I want others to percieve me... It's honestly, exhilarating. To finally have this second perspective, this person who isn't restricted by, to put it simply, “cringe”, helped me realize quite a lot.
src: https://blog.abtmtr.link/archive/i-know-who-iszac-is
I almost feel like this will happen when I like, transition or something. All of my speculation of Iszac being a “coping mechanism” even after I kind of calmed down on the whole system thing also points to Iszac being an allusion to some kind of “post-transition self”, even if I never knew (and still don't know) who she actually is.
Of course, “she” being who I want to be.
Post-Transition Me
Which also brings me to another thing – I drew “post-transition me” a little while ago, to basically be an acceptance of what I might approximately look like when everything goes to plan:
The thing is, I don't know if this is what I actually want to look like.
It's probably what I will look like, but um...
Actually, I dunno.
What is known?
I'm gonna calm down, because, who the fuck knows at this stage? All I know is that the Iszac stuff hinted very much towards me being some kind of egg. Even if it's not a trans egg, there's still a shell between who I currently am and who I want to be. Maybe being a girl won't crack that – but even if so, something else will.
Maybe I do need therapy.
Kompass (feat. Disasterpiece)
Thank you so much for everything. This feeling is so wonderful. I'm so thankful to have all of the opportunities I've got, and to help people figure themselves out, same with me. Everything feels so great right now.
I'm right where I want to be.
Divide by Four Add Seven
i am freaking the fuck out
i can't chronicle this. i'm not in the right mental state
if you want to know where iszac is, she's dead. dead in the pile of ideas and things i've left behind.
well, she's not completely dead... just dormant.
but in my mind, dormant is another word for dead.
i don't think everything in my past was ok.
i yearn for a big reveal, i yearn to reveal to you all something i've been building up, but i can't.
i linger too much in my past, and my past was a huge mistake. a series of mistakes after mistakes and it makes me feel like shit.
it's hard to build things up when you're too busy breaking yourself down.
i'm primarily lingering over one thing though
buti can't chronicle this. i'm not in the right mental stateif you want to know wh
I'm ok. I'm ok. I don't want you to worry about me.
maybe that just makes more worrie. maybe i'm being too edgy?
there's a part of me that just wants to go back. to stop to stop and just maybe i'm going through this too fast maybe people will find me embarrassing like i do others. why
why have a grown a mindset of pain and judgement?
why am i to judge others? who am i to judge others? who am i?
who am i?
maybe i've been doing too much
Girlthing
I don't know... I'm tired and I'm staying awake through the early morning.
I recently visited turn-me-into-a-girl.com (as a cis person totally does) and completed the flow. One thing popped into my head as it loaded...
What if I'm just... being ridiculous?
Of course, this is a doubt I probably shouldn't take too seriously, but... it does pose an interesting question.
How trans am I?
I'm certainly not cis (at least, I don't think a cis person would be a girl on the internet and tell all her friends she's a girl), but I'm not sure I can get every part of me to agree that I would like to be a girl.
I don't even look like a girl
One of my goals is to get on HRT, maybe. As I know it, HRT is (un)surprisingly hard to obtain in the United States. I don't have it yet, and I don't even know how to get it, honestly... do I ask my doctor? My therapist? Anyway, because HRT is so hard to obtain, and because of the fact that I don't have it yet... well, of course, I don't look at all like a girl. I look like my original self, just like I was before I popped the trans question. Many trans individuals would cite this as gender dysphoria – and that's probably correct. I think I'm experiencing it, and... damn, it sucks.
I don't even know if I'm a girl.
Describing myself as a girlthing is the closest I can get to half-acceptance, silly enough to be passed off as a funny joke, but also valid enough to be taken seriously by trans fellows. My true gender is not clear at the moment, and I am honestly holding on to hope that everything I will do from here on out is somewhat reversible, in case I figure something out that ends up in the form of not-girl.
This sucks.
This period between guessing, realization, and action is currently the worst part, in my opinion. On one hand, it's amazing, because you get so much support by all of your friends! But on the other hand, you don't even know what you are and you don't have the resources to do anything about it at the moment. Which is the worst. Maybe I can just wear some cool skirts and hope that's enough to at least remotely pass as some degree of trans.
It's just a fetish or something.
My complicated relationship with sex and all of its concepts have held a strange spot in my life, especially during puberty. Of course, it could be entirely possible that my girl-centric urges are a result of being turned on, as a person with years and years of exposure to sex. I don't know though!!! I'm quite literally aromantic because I just don't understand what is romance and what isn't sex and I don't think I ever will!!!! Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!
Where's Iszac?
Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she Where is she
Thank you
To all of my friends, family, and supporters! To my transfem friends especially, I hold you near and dear to my heart !!
transphobia
why do people hate trans people so much?? it's super depressing how much of the world hates a specific marginalized group of people for like no fucking reason it's all stupid and the world is stupid and bad-faith arguments make sure to keep it that way this all gets me to the time a friend of mine was doxxed and trolled on twitter after she came out as trans i couldn't imagine what i would do if that happened to me it's scary how utterly disgusting some people can be just for internet points and it would scare me if everything i've built up just came crashing down, all at once to lose everything because you found yourself because you loved yourself not for who you were assigned as, but for who you are. your reputation, your identity, hell, even your loved one's identities destroyed, because some people thought it would be funny to doxx a 13 year old girl and assault her image. i really do hope that never happens to me.
girlness
in terms of gender identity, why do i feel so disconnected from everything i want to be girl yet i can't get all of my brain to agree that it should be girl like sometimes i just want to be my “old self” but also like can i Not also also how am i going to deal with my identity once i leave my house. what are people going to see me as? how will i handle name/pronoun change? last time i tried it, it went disasterously this is hard and stupid and i would just like to look like a girl so i can get it over with
sigh
I want to be a girl! – The Trans Inexperience
Somehow, it's almost scary.
Despite the paragraph at the top ensuring me that my state of “girl” is not permanent, I still don't know what happens.
What will happen?
Should I click it?
Do I really want to be a girl?
Migrating the blog to local
I've wanted to move things around to the local server so I can have an easy “central hub” for all of the abtmtr.link services. Now both blogs (img and blog) are part of that huddle!
Current local sites: – git.abtmtr.link – local.abtmtr.link – blog.abtmtr.link – img.abtmtr.link